I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
