Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
nutella sex= disaster
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
