I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
