then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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