So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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