yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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