I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
