she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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