My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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