Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Pooping to opera.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
