Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
