I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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