dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I could make wine with my vomit
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
