She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
