Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
