Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
