youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
