I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
