Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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