OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
