That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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