matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
