I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This house was built for laser tag.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
