my phone needs a breathalizer
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
