so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
