I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
