Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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