What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
