I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
