I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
