Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
