I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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