I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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