I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
