In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
