And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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