I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
