he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
