to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
