Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
