Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
