i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
