it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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