It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
