he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
