made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
