It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
