mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
