Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
