remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
